The Sweet Smell
of Failure
(published in the Northland Family, September 3, 2014 edition, magazine insert in Liberty Tribune, Kearney Courier, Gladstone Dispatch and Smithville Herald)
As I looked in
the rear view mirror at my child’s tear stained face, my heart jumped with joy
at his pain and suffering.
My son had just
done poorly in a competition. He could
not speak for almost an hour, the bewilderment over losing was just too much
for him to handle. Secretly though, my
husband and I were thrilled. It was just
what he needed to experience. He is a
child that rarely loses, ever, due to his incredible talent in many areas. This loss was a great experience for him.
When children win
all the time, whether it is because they honestly win or society makes sure
“everyone wins,” it causes the person to become complacent in their work. If you never have to try very hard, then why
ever exert any additional effort? Why
not just play video games instead of studying or practicing?
Imagine a person
that has never been allowed to fail.
Meaning, there is always a parent hovering in the back ground, running
around, talking to teachers, talking to coaches, making sure this child is
placed exactly where they need to be to NEVER FAIL. Imagine what this person will grow up to
believe……..life is easy and I don’t have
to try, everything always goes my way.
I recently heard
of a parent (of a child that was never allowed to fail) speaking of how their
child was asked to be in two events at the same time. There were requirements to be in both during
the same time frame, and rules would have to be broken to be in both. This parent explained that he had been on the
phone ALL DAY fixing this situation for his daughter. I personally don’t agree with this
mentality. When my kids reach
adulthood, the world will not bend and mold itself to my child’s life, so why
do that now? They need to be in
unpleasant situations, they need to have teachers they don’t get along with,
they need to fall behind, they need to not have enough money for something they
want, they need to have enemies, they need to learn that life is hard and we
have to work through situations, not avoid them.
I suggest to try
and work things out for your child when needed, but don’t break rules and attempt
to bend the system. Work within the
boundaries set before them. If it works
out, great, if it doesn’t, let it go and make the best of the situation.
Last year, for
the first time, I requested a particular class arrangement for my son. My request was not honored. At that point I explained to my son that he
had a lot of “learning opportunities” available since his situation was not
ideal. In an effort to look at the good
side of things, we decided every challenge he faced just helped him become much
more patient and understanding in dealing with disagreeable situations. This year I made a similar request; this is
after two years of him using the circumstances as a learning tool. As I write this article, I wonder if I have
made the right decision by making this request.
Failing or being
unhappy as a child is much easier to take than failing as an adult. The stakes are much lower and aren't so
devastating. If the first time life
hands someone a lemon, is after they have moved out and have a job, consider
the consequences? Losing a job (instead
of failing a test). Losing a car
(instead of a bike). Losing a spouse
(instead of a friend). Allow your child
to experience life “in the raw”, meaning; no one is there to fix every single
thing in their life. There are many life
lessons to be learned by your child by being in non-ideal situations. My husband and I strive to teach our kids
that no matter what life hands us, we can work with it. We want them to learn life lessons now so
that as an adult, they aren't hit with the hard brick wall of “Hey, that didn't go my way….now what? Oh, wait, let me
call Mom, she’ll fix it.” Clearly, this
is not an ideal mindset.
We have a very
famous dog trainer that lives close to us.
When he trains his dogs, he makes them work hard to find the prize, and
then they get a treat. Imagine that one
dog went through the normal routine of learning to work hard, while another dog
was always given the treat, just by simply showing up. The dog that had to work hard would look much
better than the one that never had to work for its treat. The difference in the dog’s performance would
be obvious, after just several months of training. Now, imagine your child being trained for 18
years that they don’t have to work hard for anything and that everything always
works out to their benefit.
In a world of
“everyone wins” mentality, I suggest you make sure your child doesn't. Enjoy the sweet smell of failure.
